Roommate Roulette Part II

by: Martha Wiseman, guidance counselor, Carl Sandburg High School

A major factor in your college happiness is how well you get along with your roommate. This is a personal relationship like no other. Your roommate lives as closely with you as a brother or sister might, but often is a person who was randomly selected by your college. Sometimes you can have some control over the kind of person that is assigned to you if your college allows you to choose the kind of dorm you live in. Choices such as single sex, grouped by major, quiet study floors, and substance free are some examples of these. Even so, a roommate assigned to you can be different from you in many more subtle ways that are difficult to gauge from a dorm application. You might come from a big family and your roommate is an only child. You might be used to big city life and your roommate comes from a farm town where the entire population is smaller than your high school.

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions
Some students feel it is much safer to room with someone they already know from back home. However, being in a class or playing tennis with someone is very different from sharing that tiny piece of real estate your college calls a dorm room. Your best friend may be a slob, but it doesn’t bother you until you find his left over pizza on your pillow or a drink spilled on your computer. It’s human nature to be more considerate with a stranger than you are with a friend. If you room with a friend and you end up not getting along with each other as well as you thought, you’ve not only lost a friend, but this situation can bring problems when you go home. One student said, “I roomed with a high school friend and we ended up barely speaking. I still have to go home to the same town where we both had the same friends. Her mom knows my mom. Her dad was my dad’s client. What a mess! It just wasn’t worth it!” Another complained, “My best friend fell in love the first week of school. I might as well have roomed alone!” You’ll be less open to new friendships if you do everything with your roommate from home. Others will find it harder to connect with you if you already have a little group started.

You can have the security of living near someone who likes you without the risk of losing an old friend by choosing to live in the same dorm with someone you know and like, but having a roommate that’s assigned to you. This instantly gives you twice as many opportunities for new friends. Not only will you get to know your roommate very well, but you’ll also have the opportunity to get to know your friend’s roommate as well. If you need a familiar face from home or need a break from your roommate, there’s always someplace to go just down the hall. 

The Old Is New Again
College gives you the opportunity to establish yourself with a new reputation. If you room with someone you didn’t know before, you don’t have to worry about him judging you as you were in junior high. If it works out, you might have made a new friend for life. If not, the situation is only temporary. You can always choose a different roommate next term. Remember that mixing different people is one of the advantages of college life. We have a tendency to hang around with people with similar personalities to ours. Mixing with new people expands your horizons just as the new experiences you will have in the classroom will. It’s good to learn about how to get along with different types of people. Someday you might have a boss that’s a lot like your roommate. You’ll learn to appreciate how differences make people special and interesting.

Reach Out and Touch Someone
Whether you decide to room with a friend or enter the roommate lottery, there are many things you can do to make this arrangement a positive one. Generally your college will send you the name, address, and phone number of your roommate. Get in touch with each other in advance—in person if possible. Sometimes coordinating small things, like who will be bringing the popcorn popper and the color of the bedspreads can make those first few days of living together start more smoothly. Be warm and friendly and show genuine interest in he or she and his or her opinions and plans. Some roommates set aside a special time when they agree to be together regularly—lunch on Thursday, at the health club Wednesday nights, watching a favorite TV show. Decide how you’re going to handle phone messages. Some answering machines have mailboxes so you don’t have to listen to each other messages. If your situation is low-tech, buy a dry erase board for messages. 

The Golden Rule
“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” is a good one to try to apply in the roommate situation. Be extra considerate of your roommate. It’s like a marriage—full of give and take. Your roommate may not care for your favorite tunes any more than you care for hers. Share the air space. Don’t criticize your roommate’s taste in clothes or friends. Look for things you like about your roommate and make sure you mention them in a sincere way. Everyone likes a compliment. Assume that your roommate has faults just as you do and that they are trying to do the best they can just as you are. If the door is closed, knock before you come in. Many students are used to having their own room at home and it can be embarrassing if someone bursts in while you are changing clothes or anything else you’d like to keep private. Don’t be disappointed if you and your roommate don’t turn out to be best friends. Let the relationship develop naturally, without expecting that you two will be joined at the hip doing everything together. 

Communication Is the Name of the Game
You and your roommate should set as many ground rules and limits as possible when you first meet. Make an agreement about what things you feel comfortable sharing. Once you have let your roommate borrow your clothes, your closet could become “open for business” 24 hours a day and you might end up feeling resentful when you reach for a favorite shirt and find it’s on someone else’s shoulders. (If you do borrow your roommate’s clothes with permission, make sure you return them clean at an agreed upon time.) Set ground rules for study time and party time. Discuss how you handle guests. If one roommate has a steady visitor and the room turns into a romantic hideaway, this will make the other feel uncomfortable, like a trespasser in his own room. When friends from high school visit, make sure they understand the ground rules as well.

Many disagreements can be handled with humor. But if something is seriously bothering you, let your roommate know. Don’t do this while you’re feeling angry; you might say things you’ll regret. Sleep on it—anger gets in the way of open communication. Don’t stew—if you keep swallowing your resentment, one day you’ll boil over for sure. Packaging is everything. If you choose your words carefully and have a smile in your eyes, you are letting your roommate know that you still value them as a person while you are disagreeing about something they do. Be ready to negotiate and/or compromise. If your roommate does something that annoys you, don’t just complain—offer a solution. If you’re tired of taking down all the phone messages she gets from her many male admirers, suggest that she get voice mail, a beeper, or an answering machine. 

Too Much to Handle

A list of tips from college sophomores who were asked for roommate advice:

• Buy your own shampoo—and use it.
• Wash your cereal bowl and socks before they’re green and fuzzy.
• Keep your wet towel off the beds.
• Keep visits from high school friends down to a minimum.
• Don’t hit the “snooze” button a thousand times for an eight o’clock you’re not going to anyway.
• Keep your beverages off the computer.
• Don’t erase the answering machine and then announce, “Someone called but I don’t remember who.” Write it down.
• Don’t disappear when it’s time to pay for pizza—or anything else.
• Flush.